July 19

Today I'm reminded of fighting. Fighting for someone that should love me, to do just that. Fighting for respect. Fighting for a relationship that I felt I needed no matter how toxic it was for me. Fighting an uphill battle with someone figuratively and literally pushing me down. Fighting fear. Fighting abandonment. Fighting knowing things are not right but not wanting to voice my concerns for other's judgment. Fighting blocked memories that come to the surface when you're least expecting it. 

Today, like many years before it, I remember. But unlike many years before it, I'm not filled with questions. My worth is not within your hands. I am loved. I am more than enough. Everything that happened was never my fault and knowing that is freeing. 

At one point I had to picture my past self, go to her, hug her and tell her she was safe. I had to be the person I needed back then just to let go of it mentally. There is always more work, more reading, more healing to be done, but I am so proud of myself. 

A poem I wrote a few years ago when I was in a different place in my healing journey:

Sometimes I think about you. 

Wondering where you might be.

If you are even alive.

Or if you remember me.


For I'm reminded of you often. 

Anxiety filling my veins.

Scared of being out of control.

Bad memories are what remains.


The physical hurt me.

The words left their scars.

Not written on my body

But written in my stars.


The past is the past

Then why is this my present?

Living every day

Escaping  a traumatic event. 

   

July 19, Happy Birthday to wherever you may be now. You left marks on my body, tried to leave marks in my stars, but I take back my sky now, for it is mine to gaze upon.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Risotto

Image
  Here's to Risotto. A dish that I have learned takes time, patience, and love. I've made the mistake all too often of starting this at 5:00pm only to hit 7:00pm, with cranky children not willing to even glance at the food. I have made this dish or others like it for those I love. It is beyond worth it to me. However, there is one person I have refused to make it for. A person that up until this last year I did not feel deserved the same amount of love that I gave everyone else. A person that could easily live off breadcrumbs, leftover mac and cheese from the children, or meals that were had standing at a counter. Myself. Don't get me wrong, I have always been the person to make meals for my family, and I too would take part. But when life changes and you find yourself with a quiet home at meal times, it seems more of a hassle to prepare, cook and clean a really nice meal just for yourself.  This year has taught me that I do deserve to shower myself with that same love I fr...
Read more

Summer Bucket List

 It started as a joke with a friend, "add that to the list of things I never got the opportunity to do." Quite honestly I had such a negative outlook on life back then you could tell by the tone I was taking with those words. Until the shift happened, the realization that I am in control of my attitude and how I handle things. The weight lifted, and my little "joke" became a checkmark 'Summer Bucket List.'  I was dedicated to make this happen, and what better way to hold yourself accountable than blast it on Instagram for the world, alright 231 followers, to see. The amount of encouragement I got from this story post was incredible, I really have surrounded myself with the best kinds of people! A variety of people, some close to me and some I have never hung out with before offering to come along with me to fulfill my Bucket List dreams.  The List started small. Escape Rooms Go Dancing Paddle Boarding Lime Scooter Pavilion Lights Downtown Zipline Micamoon Pa...
Read more