July 19

Today I'm reminded of fighting. Fighting for someone that should love me, to do just that. Fighting for respect. Fighting for a relationship that I felt I needed no matter how toxic it was for me. Fighting an uphill battle with someone figuratively and literally pushing me down. Fighting fear. Fighting abandonment. Fighting knowing things are not right but not wanting to voice my concerns for other's judgment. Fighting blocked memories that come to the surface when you're least expecting it. 

Today, like many years before it, I remember. But unlike many years before it, I'm not filled with questions. My worth is not within your hands. I am loved. I am more than enough. Everything that happened was never my fault and knowing that is freeing. 

At one point I had to picture my past self, go to her, hug her and tell her she was safe. I had to be the person I needed back then just to let go of it mentally. There is always more work, more reading, more healing to be done, but I am so proud of myself. 

A poem I wrote a few years ago when I was in a different place in my healing journey:

Sometimes I think about you. 

Wondering where you might be.

If you are even alive.

Or if you remember me.

For I'm reminded of you often. 

Anxiety filling my veins.

Scared of being out of control.

Bad memories are what remains.

The physical hurt me.

The words left their scars.

Not written on my body

But written in my stars.

The past is the past

Then why is this my present?

Living every day

Escaping  a traumatic event. 

   

July 19, Happy Birthday to wherever you may be now. You left marks on my body, tried to leave marks in my stars, but I take back my sky now, for it is mine to gaze upon.